for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
