everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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