Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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