ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
