I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
