im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
