OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize