I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
