dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We are two peas in an std pod
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
