I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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