i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You pole danced in your parka.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
