Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
