i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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