Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
