take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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