My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
