Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
