tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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