Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize