You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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