last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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