yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
