I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
