I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
