I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
