I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
