a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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