Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
