My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
