There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
