Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
