you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
