Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
