I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
