I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
