Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
