I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
