rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
