he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
