theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
