Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
