Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
