My first STD was from a foam party
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
