The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
