mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
