margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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