No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
