i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize