Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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