Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
