I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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