There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
