matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
