I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
