And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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