The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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