I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
