It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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