can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
