Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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