My boss' voice literally gives me gas
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
