I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need to sanitize my soul.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
